This last book we chose has caused me to have some moments of reflection...not because of the book but because of my attitude towards the book. And even though this "open letter" is beyond cheesy and probably ridiculous, I thought that maybe there was a chance that other people could relate to at least some of what I've been processing through.
I was so excited to get this Book Club started up, and was from the first time the idea was proposed to me. But that first month when we read Fangirl, I put it off till the last week or so before our meeting, partially because I was deep into some library books with a limited time on my Kindle and partially because I told myself I wanted the plot of the book to be fresh in my mind when we talked about it. I ended up having to read the whole thing in basically one day, and had to stay up most of the night to finish it...and then after all that I didn't even make it to the meeting because of [at the time secret] morning sickness. The next month we chose to read Divergent, and I secretly saw it as a free pass because I'd already read it and didn't really feel like reading it again. I thought I'd be able to pull off having a conversation about it at our meeting, but realized pretty quick that I couldn't remember any of the details you were all talking about. I honestly can't remember if I said anything during that whole discussion that night. And then came Code Name Verity, which sounded like a great idea when it was brought up, but once I got home and let the fun of picking out a new book fade, that bad attitude started creeping in.
I've been blogging a lot since last summer about how I made myself the goal of reading through all the books (94 at the time) that I owned but hadn't read. I've been chugging along at that list pretty steadily, but then came New Year's and a whole new set of goals, including the goal to read 20 books on that list of 94 and 20 books not on that list. The addition of a library card into my life has made reading 20 books not on the list pretty easy...but meanwhile my own books are staring at me on my shelves not really being read. So I've been feeling pressure there. But then I saw a list of movies that are coming out this year that are all based on books and I thought "I should make myself another goal of reading all these books before I watch the movies," and even though it's a short list I have been feeling pressure to read them as well. And then right around the time I needed to start reading Code Name Verity, a book I'd been on a long waiting list for from the library arrived on my Kindle, which should have been exciting but instead really frustrated me. I had been waiting to read it, but had to release it back into the library universe for someone else because I had to read our Book Club book instead. Cue bad attitude/minor meltdown.
I launched into this incredibly selfish head space where I felt like having one book a month dictated to me was just too crazy to imagine. I've got all these reading goals hanging over my head (goals that I made up for myself...) and library books arriving when I can't read them and people constantly telling me "you should reach such-and-such book, it's really great!" and I already feel like I'm never going to get everything read ever...and then you're going to introduce a completely new book to me and tell me I have to read it every month?! Obviously, my new Book Club (that I've already confessed I've spent little to no real effort contributing to) should only ever read books that are on one of my multiple lists. Because then we're always being productive for me and I'm never wasting time on some book I've never even heard of. Seems fair, right?
Some honest insight into me: I can be really selfish and I can honestly feel as if the world revolves around me. And that during the moments in which it doesn't actually revolve around me, it should be fixed so that it does. IE: Book Club should only read books that are helpful and productive for me and my dumb personal reading goals. That's just ridiculous. Even in the middle of my meltdown, I knew it was ridiculous. Here are the thoughts I have now, the things I know to be true, now that I'm on the other side of that particular moment of selfishness:
- Reading is supposed to be fun. I genuinely like reading, but nothing in my attitude as I just described it would suggest that to you. It's all about goals and crossing things off and being productive and feeling stressed. Sheesh. I tend to turn my hobbies into work, and that's no fun for anyone. Reading is fun, and reading goals are meant to be fun as well as put a little fire under me. If I get to the end of 2014 and haven't read all 40 books I challenged myself to, and if I watch a movie on that list without reading its corresponding book first, I'm pretty sure the world will keep spinning. It will really be okay. It's not a matter of life or death, it's about reading because I like reading.
- I joined the Book Club because I genuinely wanted to be in a Book Club. That's the truth! When I first heard about the idea of forming this thing almost a year ago, I thought it was the best idea ever. Because I do in fact love to read new books, and because I love making new friends and spending time with people who are different than me, and because maybe if we get to read some books I'd already had on my radar then yay for me. I didn't join it because I thought we'd only ever read books I wanted to read; I didn't join it so I could add more stress to my life. I joined it because I saw the value in it and I also saw the fun in it.
- I am really sorry. I hate it when I get on the other side of my selfishness and see how I've affected people around me. Maybe none of you care or even notice that I haven't shown up for two of the meetings, and maybe the noisy restaurant kept my silence during the Divergent meeting unnoticed. But maybe some or all of you are kind of annoyed with me and feel like I've been a deadbeat member so far. Either way, I need to apologize to all of you. I've made it all about me and that's not even close to fair. I didn't even read one of the books for our meeting and the other two were crammed into a day or two before the meeting. I haven't taken it seriously and I haven't been intentional about planning my time so that I can take it seriously. I know that this Book Club isn't - and isn't designed to be - the most important thing in our lives. We all have lives, we have friendships and significant others and jobs and homes and pets and a million other things. I'm not trying to say that I should have been making this club the most important part of my life...I'm just saying that I should have been making it important enough to do what was needed of me. I was trying to get by with the bare minimum and I wasn't even succeeding at that. So I really am sorry.
Have a super happy Monday, and I'll see you all soon,
Andrea
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