Grace and love.

Once again, time has passed since my last blog update. I don’t think I really have much of a reason this time, except to just say that life has been busy. No busier than normal or than anyone else’s life, just the normal kind of busy where suddenly you think “Huh. It’s been two weeks since
I’ve blogged.” I actually have no idea how long it’s been, but you get the point.

I haven’t tried to hide in the last couple of weeks that things have been rough here in Room 43. Kids have been crazy, I’ve been frustrated, and questions of whether I’m going to stay or not have resurfaced. To make that long and needless story short, the answer came in the form of a still small voice that whispered to me last weekend that I’m fine, I’m where I’m supposed to be, and I’m staying. Just having that knowledge that I am in fact where God wants me – for now, anyway – has given me such a peace about the situation at school. The kids haven’t really calmed down much, they haven’t really started caring more, and the over-all atmosphere of the 7th grade hasn’t changed, but my attitude has. Have there still been bad days when I struggle with holding on to things too much or let myself get bothered by them? Yup. But I’ve also been laughing and teasing with them again, and I’ve seen some of them actually learning and working hard. It’s been easier to keep it all in perspective, which I’ve been so thankful for. And then we watched a video at church Sunday night that rocked me to the core.

http://www.worshiphousemedia.com/mini-movies/12872/Deidox--Lindsayhttp://www.worshiphousemedia.com/mini-movies/12872/Deidox--Lindsay

I do not work in the Bronx. I understand that. I do however work in a school that is 77% free and reduced lunch, 50% ESOL, and 100% NOT the suburban middle school all my textbooks told me about. I teach reading and writing, like this woman. I teach middle school, like this woman. My kids physically look like this woman’s kids (although mine look much older), and my kids wear the exact same uniform as this woman’s kids. And as I watched this video and heard her talk about her kids and talk to her kids, and see her obvious love for them, I felt something that I really can’t describe. The phrase that wouldn’t stop running through my head over and over again was “I haven’t loved them like that…” And honestly…I don’t know if I have. There’s a very real possibility that I’ve only loved them conditionally, when they’ve done what I’ve asked and they’ve worked hard and they’ve stayed in their seats and they haven’t tried to hurt each other or me or my stuff. But after all the tears were wiped away and the hugs and encouraging words from the incredible man in my life had been processed, it occurred to me that even if I haven’t loved them like that up until now, I can start. I can walk into school with a different expectation and a different mindset. I can love them for who they are and for who God sees them as, instead of what they do for me or how well they behave or how hard they work. Please believe me when I say that that is much easier to do with some of my kids than others. But that’s the point, right? Grace isn’t grace if it only applies to who we want it to apply. Love isn’t love if it’s only given to the people we think have earned it. I will be the first to tell you that I don’t want my grace to apply to all of my kids, and I don’t think that all of my kids have earned my love. But…that’s the point.