Happy Place

Usually, I shy away from sharing much when things aren’t going smoothly in Room 43. This week, though, I feel like I need to be a little bit more honest. Not vent, and not whine, but share honestly. I am struggling. The insane thought hit me Sunday night that I could just call in sick yesterday and not go in. I have sub plans for this very reason, after all. I thought about it for about three minutes too long, and then got convicted and realized I couldn’t do that. I’m an adult, and I have a job, and I’ve got to show up for it. I think that yesterday was especially hard because that conversation had taken place in my head the night before. First block was bad. What’s funny is that they weren’t that much worse than they have been, and nothing too crazy happened that should have pushed me over the line. But pushed over the line I was; I finally just snapped. “Middle of February, haven’t had a snow day all winter, my kids are incredibly rude” snapped. After being interrupted and ignored for half of class, I stopped talking, wrote an assignment on the board, and sat down at my desk. I was so done. So done with putting my heart and soul and so much of my personal time and money into this and being treated like dirt in return. So done with explaining something or teaching something and hearing other people’s voices. So done with trying to implement one of the millions of research based strategies and methods that I spent 5 years learning at one of the best educational universities available, and having them literally balled up and used as weapons, never to be completed or read. So done with looking around my classroom and seeing trash and pages torn from the books that I used my own money to buy and graffiti on my desks/walls/boards. I was so, so done.

It was a long, painfully reflective evening – with one of the best listeners and encouragers that I could ask for fighting beside me – and I walked into school this morning with a different attitude, and a little bit different of a perspective. I do too much for them. I work too hard and invest too much and I hold their hands through every task (even though I say all the time that I’m not going to hold their hand through every task). It’s time to cut some ties and give them the opportunity to either sink or swim, and to either start owning this thing or not…but they’re going to make that decision themselves. I gave them the vocab words this morning, but not the definitions. They get to look them up themselves. I gave them a poem to analyze and study and the questions I want them to answer, but we didn’t go over it together and I didn’t give them the answers. Class was silent this morning in 1st and 4th blocks, and they did their work in silence. At the end of class, some kids turned in their work and some didn’t, but they made that choice for themselves.

Six kids in my 5th block did their work but the rest of them didn't even seem phased by the fact that I literally didn't speak to them at all. Tried to start class, got ignored, put the assignment up on the screen and walked away. Six kids came and asked me questions and did the work and turned it in, and everyone else ran around the room and talked and threw things and thought they had free time. But those six kids who chose to do their work and who chose to learn rather than ignore responsibility will be an example for the rest of them. It nearly killed me to sit at my desk and ignore them while they destroyed my room and ignored the assignment on the board today, but I'm making a point. I'm going to get mad and I'm not going to hide that from them, and I'm going to take three steps back and let them decide (like the adults they act like they are) what kind of student they're going to be.

I’m going home this weekend to see my family and celebrate my birthday. I have a three day weekend, a four day work week next week, and two days worth of a 7th grade field trip next week that cuts my class size to half both days and allows me to do the same thing two days in a row. All of these things are the light at the end of the tunnel, and a spirit week where kids are out of uniform and misbehaving is what’s keeping me from it. But in the meantime, I’m staying in my happy place: Mumford and Sons and my new cowboy boots and hugs from that really great listener/encourager. It's the little things.